Examples of Bad College Essays

Applying to college has become deadly serious…lot’s of pressure to produce perfect grades, test scores and recommendations. Then there’s the ESSAY. Talk about a mine field. College admissions officers admit that sometimes an admission decision hinges on this loose cannon. In an effort to bring a smile to you who are struggling for the perfect paragraph, here are some (allegedly true) BAD college essays. Please DON’T DO THIS!

Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
–Sue Lin Chong, Washington

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
–Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
–Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
–Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
–Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
–Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@u… but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@u… by mistake.
–Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, you know, like, whatever.
–Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
–Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
–Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
–Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
–Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
–Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
–Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
–Unknown

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
— Sandra Hull, Arlington

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of “Jeopardy! “
–Jean Sorensen, Herndon

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
–Jerry Pannullo, Kensington

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
–Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
–Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington

“Oh, Jason, take me! ” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
–Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
–John Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.
–Barbara Collier, Garrett Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
–Susan Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
–Marian Carlsson, Lexington

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila
Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill. )in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
–J. F. Knowles, Springfield

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
–Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
–Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
–Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
–Susan Reese, Arlington

She was as easy as the “TV Guide” crossword.
–Tom Witte, Gaithersburg

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
–Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

She grew on you like a colony of E. coli on a room-temperature Canadian beef.
–Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
–Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
–Sue Lin Chong, Washington

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
–Brian Broadus

Now, go out and write the perfect essay. Don’t worry, though, there isn’t one.

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